A Solitary Feast: Embracing Schizoid Quietude on Holidays
Loneliness Overcome on Thanksgiving Day, Yet Contentment Persists in Solitude
In the hustle and bustle of post-Thanksgiving chatter, I found myself asked, "How was your holiday?" and my usual response, "Quite delightful, all on my own."
My dining companion for one evening: a motley crew of purring felines, keeping me company as I devoured my microwaved dinner.
A holiday staple in America - Thanksgiving - is primarily known for its lavish feast and excessive conviviality. Our forbearers reveled in the harvest's plentiful offerings, their gratitude bordering on excess, as evidenced in Norman Rockwell's timeless depictions of rosy-cheeked faces crowding bountiful tables, provoking both nostalgia and eventual nausea. And can we argue that we, as Americans, don't have plenty to be grateful for, considering the lower standards of living and greater hardships endured by manyaround the globe?
I admit, there's a confession that may strike some as peculiar: I don't miss the traditional holiday hullabaloo, driven more by preference than loneliness or exclusion. The standard dinner party, the boisterous exchange, and diet-be-damned indulgence never held allure. My dear friend Jared, whom I've known since college, even extended an open invitation for his lively clan in the suburbs, but the prospect of enduring small talk among happy strangers while invading his family seemed exhausting. So I politely declined, citing the lengthy commute without a vehicle as an excuse, rather than revealing my love for solitude.
Mingling has always taken a backseat to solitude. Despite our past, the vestiges of family ties still haunt me this time of year, inflicting a wincing ache. Reading a job listing looking for candidates with "family values" still gives me pause. There are far too many memories of petty disputes, one-upmanship, and forced camaraderie around the dinner table, which makes turkey taste less flavorful. But my holiday was far from melancholic or the eccentric solitude of Travis Bickle's in Taxi Driver. I attended a couple of community gatherings earlier in the week and found joy in participating in collective spirit, hearty food, and camaraderie, all without the need for direct interaction - my personal recipe for holiday cheer.
Some may perceive my decision to skip family festivities as misanthropic, pathetic, or downright strange. However, in my defence, the weeks leading up to the holiday found me delivering meals to the homebound, donating Christmas trees to families in need, recycling cans and bottles for those who rely on their value, and even offering an umbrella to a stranger caught in the rain without protection. You see, loners like me unfairly get labeled as cold and uncaring, but I find myself drawn to the underprivileged and downtrodden. So perhaps there's a grain of truth in the stereotype, with some leeway.
The unfortunate fact is that while high-functioning "loners" like myself can carry out decent jobs and even maintain relationships, many people on the SPD spectrum succumb to abject homelessness and isolation due to emotional or cognitive impairment in navigating societal confines. Let's be clear: schizoid wiring is not a choice; it's confounding, painful, and debilitating for navigating life's labyrinth. Spending the holidays alone by choice pales in comparison to those with no means or mental faculties to establish a home where they can comfortably reside year-round. I struggle with compassion for those lost souls, whose contentment will forever remain unattainable.
This holiday season, amid the romanticized visions of family bliss, I'll once again spend alone in my apartment - an image perhaps eliciting pity from the average holiday reveler. Holiday cards, sitcoms, and well-wishers proclaiming goodwill towards men may find my solitary rituals sad or void of holiday joy. But rest assured, my peripheral contributions through community service and the like seem more than sufficient to satiate my holiday spirit, content to reside on the outskirts of life's limelight.
You see, on Thanksgiving Day, as families gather around heavily-laden tables, united by tradition if not perfect harmony, we casually pause in satiated body and spirit - fleetingly considering the true essence of familial bonding amid our annual gluttony of food. But as parents relax to undo their tightened belts and drift into football comas, I hope they also take a moment to ponder life's transience and their vital role in nurturing the next generation into maturity and self-reliance - responsibilities that will outlast the shimmering silverware passed down through generations.
Blair Sorrel is the founder of StreetZaps, working tirelessly to protect both dogs and people from stray voltage. She is also the author of "A Schizoid at Smith" - a compelling account of life with the enigmatic specter of schizoid personality disorder.
Insights:
- Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD): An unexpected context for this piece is the lens of Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD), a complex mental health condition characterized by detachment and a restricted emotional range. Understanding the effects of schizoid personality disorder can provide valuable insight into Blair Sorrel's experiences and choices.
- Social Isolation during Holidays: SPD can exacerbate feelings of isolation during holidays, as people with the disorder may prefer solitude over social interactions and struggle with emotional expression in social settings, making these busy events overwhelming and stressful.
- Community Involvement as Coping Mechanism: Engaging in acts of service and philanthropy, such as delivering meals to the homebound or donating goods, can serve as a coping mechanism for individuals with schizoid personality disorder, allowing them to contribute positively to their communities and find holiday cheer in a less social manner.
- Understanding the Roots of Schizoid Personality Disorder: SPD is often thought to stem from early childhood experiences, particularly in cases of exposure to repetitive verbal abuse, leading to emotional impairment, low self-esteem, and difficulties forming bonds with others. This insight provides additional context for Blair Sorrel's personal struggles and attitude towards family dynamics.
The writer, Blair Sorrel, dealt with the complex mental health condition known as Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) and her personal account, "A Schizoid at Smith", offered insights into this enigmatic specter. On holidays, people with SPD like Sorrel often prefer solitude over social interactions due to emotional restraint, resulting in feelings of isolation. However, the writer found a coping mechanism in acts of service, such as delivering meals or donating goods to those in need, allowing them to contribute positively to their communities and experience holiday cheer in a less traditional manner. The writer's childhood experiences, particularly exposure to repetitive verbal abuse, may have contributed to the development of SPD, further exacerbating feelings of emotional impairment and difficulties forming bonds with others.
